JezzJournal

It’s certainly been a while. I’ve been so hesitant to write here, perhaps for more then one reason. Perhaps not.

The last few years have been a steady decline in personal and professional realms for me, and to that I owe it to myself to find a way to get through this. It took several failed jobs, several failed relationships to truly realize how much I desperately need help. Now I look around, and see friends, strangers… family, who all need help like I did. Such a stigma surrounds victims like me.

I’m no different then that person in the recovery ward, learning to walk again. I’m rewinding my history, developing tools for the future, and understanding how I came to develop the bad habits, the bad thoughts. It’s alot to take on, but I’m pushing headfirst through it.

I suppose this isn’t very detailed. But I’m approaching this blog… this diary, of sorts, with a new direction. I understand now I’ve lost the touch to design, and not just the touch, but perhaps the interest. Time will tell. However, my desire to communicate and share my personal tragedy, successes and failures. I find it remarkably soothing to simply speak to nobody, to a blind medium where anyone can read and perhaps gain something from what I am experiencing. What I am going through is as common as one in five people, but four of those five dare not speak to their doctor. I have.

It’s done wonders. I’m inpatient of course, there is no overnight fix. I have to stick to my plan, and follow the instructions of my doctor. It’s really frustrating at times. It’s also surprisingly maturing. I have had my faulters, as early as a week ago I felt I didn’t need to take my perscribed medications, but that was a mistake, but I took it upon myself to understand that, and get myself back on track. That in itself surprised me.

So what am I suffering from? It’s certainly not life threatening, but it can wreak havoc on relationships, jobs, and my mental state. I have been diagnosed with depression, and an anxiety disorder. I’m not sad, do not feel sad. I’m not! I’m finally finding out what my trouble is, and taking control. The unfortunate part, is not working. But I have to thank the Canadian social net for keeping me afloat, and my parents and friends for being there not only financially, but there with an ear, and no judgement. I can’t speak for all my friends as such, but most are very good.

I hope to continue to improve. I hope to continue to write here, and share my travel along my path. Perhaps what I write helps someone, maybe nobody. But it’s helping me, so thats at least one person.

Has our conscience shown?
Has the sweet breeze blown?
Has all the kindness gone?
Hope still lingers on.
I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in new york city
And I dont know why.

Are we listening to hyms of offering?
Have we eyes to see that love is gathering?
All the words that Ive been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding into one.

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
As the tears roll down.
cause its the world I know.
Its the world I know.